he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
