so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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