I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
