Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
