Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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