Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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