possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
