Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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