Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
