tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
