you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
