he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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