I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
