two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
