whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
