Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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