I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
