I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
