I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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