He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
