He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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