Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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