Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
