he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
