My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
