She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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