rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
