Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
