drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
