I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
