Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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