Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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