When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
