haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
