Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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