Small penises have feelings too.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
