her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
