He asked to "fluff my boner.."
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
