woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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