i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
