At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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