She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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