Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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