If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Randomize
