oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
