As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
