there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
