If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
