some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
