the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My ATM looks so different sober.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
