Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
