it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
